The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time


Women will get a rating of how sexy they are. Yes, this is a very sick and somewhat disturbing thought, but I want to deliver something no one's ever seen before...The scale is * - ugly and * * * * * - You salivate at the thought

1. Link:
Duh! It's you, the main hero. You get to name him at the start, so for all we know his name could be Toilet.

2. Princess Zelda:
(child - * *)
(adult - * * * *)

Princess of Hyrule, Zelda is a very naive child, but makes a very mature woman. She has prophecies in her dreams, the latest showing Hyrule's destruction.

3. Shiek:
Is it a man or a woman? All we know that he's a Sheikah and wants to help Link protect Hyrule. At the end we will find out who Sheik REALLY is.

4. Impa:
You know, the transvestite who protects Zelda. Impa is female, but due to her...strangeness, she will not receive a rating (besides, it'll embarrass her). She is also the Shadow Sage.

5. Malon:
(child - * * *)
(adult - * * * *)

Her father, Talon, owns Lon Lon Ranch. Malon obviously likes Link, as any simpleton could see, as she always teases him and calls him fairy boy.

6. Princess Ruto:
(child - * *)
(adult - * * *)

Owner of the Zora's Sapphire, she loves Link and wants to marry him. Link, for some strange reason, does not want to. Maybe Link is insane? That would, afterall, explain a lot of things...Ruto seems to have an attitude at first, but quickly grows warm and fuzzy. She is the Water Sage. Heck, she doesn't even have any clothes on...

Oh, and people say she would smell like fish, but she wouldn't because: fish do not have legs or any real brains, and Zoras obviously do, so she can not be a fish. And, even if she was, fish do not start to smell "fishy" until they have been dead for about 20 minutes, depending on the weather of course. So there!

7. Nabooru:
(* *)

I'm not implying that she is ugly, no, but she's not...attractive. Like most Gerudos, her face is heavily cloaked in makeup. She is second in command to the great Ganondorf, but she has other plans, plans of destroying the evil king! She also happens to be the Spirit Sage.

8. Saria:
(* * *)

Being a Kokiri, she never grows up, always remaining 12 years old. Saria is Link's best friend, and also the Sage of the Forest. She has powerful magic, plays the Ocarina, and spends a lot of time with Link. Besides Ruto and Nabooru, she's the only woman ( this case, girl) in the game who really appreciates what Link does.

9. King Darunia
King of the Gorons, Darunia is a fun loving guy who will dance to anything he likes...and I do mean dance! Just stay away when he has a temper, you know, like that uncle everyone has. Keeper of the Goron's Ruby, he is also the Fire Sage. When you save the Gorons, he becomes so happy, that he gives you the Ruby and makes you two Sworn Brothers...whatever that may be. All I want to see is the Queen of Gorons...wink, wink...

Son of the great Darunia, (ENTER NAME YOU PUT AT THE SELECTION SCREEN) was named after you, since King Darunia thinks of you as brave. This young lad is adventurous and always willing to help. He hands over the Goron Tunic if you talk to him for awhile.

11. King Zora
A quiet, shy guy, King Zora is also the fattest thing in the game! Seriously, he's huge! Strange, since all the other Zoras are very sleek and sexy...

12. Navi

Your own little fairy, Navi is very polite and nice, like a nun. She is female, but she is only represented by a glow with wings coming out. Shame, shame! Every Kokiri grows up with one. When Navi finds out that Link is, in fact (SPOILER), not a Kokiri, she still hangs around with 'em.

13. Ganondorf
Perhaps the most fiendish villain ever, Ganondorf has his eyes set on the shiny Triforce and will stop at NOTHING to get it. He is already very powerful. Through a series of events that I can not disclose here (major spoilers they would be) he gets his hands on it and unleashes his power onto Hyrule, turning it into a seething wasteland of monsters and destruction.

Back to the table of contents

Copyright © 1999 Marshmallow; HTML conversion ©1999 GWC, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction by any means is strictly forbidden.